One morning, a golfer
hit a horrible slice off the first tee. He threw his
driver back into the bag and proceeded towards the
wooded area where he thought his shot had entered. Deep
into the woods he noticed he was coming to the fence
surrounding the golf course and he still hadn't found
his ball.
On the other side of
the fence was a road with numerous police, fire and
ambulances pulling up to an over-turned school bus. The
golfer stopped at the fence, called over a bystander and
inquired, "What in heaven's name happened here?"
The bystander told
the golfer that he was riding his bike down the road
when all of a sudden he heard a loud crack and turned to
see the bus rolling over. He said that it looked as
though a small round object had crashed through the
drivers window; striking the driver in the forehead and
killing him instantly. Unfortunately, when the bus
rolled over several students had been critically injured
with multiple fractures and cuts.
The golfer was in a
state of shock. Without saying a word he quickly and
quietly turned and headed back to the clubhouse before
anyone suspected him of this horrible tragedy. Upon
arriving at the clubhouse, he knew he could not hold
this terrible secret inside and looked for an official
of the club.
No one was around
except the club pro in the pro shop. Without hesitation,
the golfer threw open the door to the pro shop, ran in
and stated, "I sliced my tee shot off of number 1 and
the ball went through a school bus window and killed the
driver. The buss rolled over, critically injuring
several students! What in heaven's name do I do now?"
The pro looked at
him, thought about it for a minute, then replied, "You
might try closing the club face down a bit, or maybe
moving your back leg in the direction you want the ball
to travel!"
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February 21
A priest is playing a
round of golf at the local public course when he arrives
at the 15th tee. This hole is a 160 yard par three with
a lake in the front of the green. It is also the padre's
nemesis, no matter how well or how poorly he is playing.
Upon arriving at the tee, the priest tees up his ball,
gets ready to hit and, at the last minute, looks toward
the heavens and says,
"God, I have been a
good and decent man. Please, just this once, let me hit
a shot which will carry the lake and get onto the
green."
As he is about to
swing, a loud, deep voice booms from the heavens and
says, "Use a new ball, they go farther." The preacher
steps back, thinks about the heavenly advice and goes to
his bag and gets a brand new ball. He takes his stance
and once again the heavenly voice booms, "Take a
practice swing first." The preacher is now awestruck by
the heavenly advice, so he steps back from the ball and
takes a practice swing.
He takes his stance
and gets ready to hit and the heavenly voice booms, "Use
the old ball."
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February 14
A
woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball
into the woods...
She went into the woods to look for it and found a
frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you
release me from this trap, I will grant you three
wishes." The woman freed the frog, and the frog
said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there
was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish
for, your husband will get times ten!" The woman
said, "That's okay."
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most
beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her,
"You do realize that this wish will also make your
husband the most handsome man in the world, an
Adonis whom women will flock to".
The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be
the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only
for me." So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in
the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest
woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make
your husband the richest man in the world. And he
will be ten times richer than you."
The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is
his and what's his is mine." So, KAZAM-she's the
richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she
answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them!
Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and
continue feeling good.
Male readers : Please read the end of the story.
(gap here)
The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.
Moral of the story:
Women are really dumb but think they're really smart. Let them
continue to think that way and just enjoy the show
PS:
If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show
that women never listen!!!
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February 7
After
a particularly poor game of golf, a longtime club member
skipped past the clubhouse and started to go home. As he
was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a
policeman pulled up next to him and asked, "Did you tee
off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?"
"Yes, I sure did, " the golfer admitted.
"Did you happen to hook your ball so bad that it went
over the trees and out of bounds?"
"Uh...yes, I did. How did you know about that?" he asked
warily.
"Well," said the policeman, "Your ball flew out onto the
highway and crashed through a driver's windshield. The
car went out of control, smashing into seven other cars,
a motorcycle and a fire truck. Because of you, the fire
truck didn't make it to the fire on time, and the
apartment building burned down and five families are out
on the street with no place to go. So, what I want to
know is what are you going to do about it?"
The golfer thought it over very carefully before
responding, then finally said, "I think I'll close
my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my
right thumb."
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January 31
A Swede, an
Irishman and a Scotsman take their wives golfing....
The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she
bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows
her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.
"Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivees?"
Ole demanded. "Well, you don't give me enough
housekeeping money to afford any." The Swede
immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For
the sake of decency, here's a 50. Go and buy
yourself some underwear."
Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball
on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that
she, too, is wearing no undies. "Blessed Virgin
Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?" She
replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give
me." Patrick reaches into his pocket and says, "For
the sake of decency, here's a 20. Go and buy
yourself some underwear!"
Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind
also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that
she, too, is naked under it. "Sweet mudder of Jaysus,
Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?" She too
explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able
ta affarrd any." The Scotsman reaches into his
pocket and says, "Well, fer the love 'o decency,
here's a comb..... Tidy yerself up a bit."
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January 24, 2007
After two visits and
exhaustive lab tests at the new HMO, the doctor told me
I was doing "fairly well" for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist
asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"
He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco or drink alcoholic
beverages?"
"Oh no," I replied. "I don't do drugs, either."
Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued
ribs?"
I said, "No, my other doctor said that all red meat is
unhealthy!"
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing
golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"
"No, I don't," I said.
He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot
of sex?"
"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."
He looked at me and said, "Then why do you care how long
you live?"
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January 17, 2007
One
day an executive decided to take a vacation. He
booked himself on a Caribbean cruise for singles and
proceeded to have the time of his life for the first
few days until late one night, the ship sank.
He
found himself on a deserted island with no other
people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and
coconuts.
Several
months later he was lying on the beach next to his
makeshift lean-to feeling sorry for himself, when
the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen rowed up to
the shore. He stared at her in disbelief. "Who are
you? Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
She
replied, "I rowed around from the other side of the
island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank a few
months ago."
"That's amazing," he said. "You were really lucky to
have a row boat wash up with you."
"Oh, this thing?" she said. "I made this boat out of
raw materials I found on the island. I whittled the
oars from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from
palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a
Eucalyptus tree."
"But, where did you get the tools?"
"Oh, that was no problem," she explained. "On
the south side of the island, a very unusual
stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if
I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln,
it melted into ductile iron. I used that for
tools and used the tools to make the hardware."
The executive is stunned.
"Let's row over to my place," she says. After a
few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a
small wharf she built from palm trees and
driftwood. As the man looks to shore, he nearly
falls off the boat. Before him is a stone walk
leading to an exquisite bungalow painted bright
white with blue trim.
While the woman ties up the rowboat with an
expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare
ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house,
she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it
home. Would you like a drink?"
"No! No thank you," he blurts out, still dazed.
"I can't take another drop of coconut juice."
"It's not just coconut juice," winks the woman.
"I have a still. How would you like a Pina
Colada?"
The man is truly amazed and gladly accepts the
drink, and they sit down on her couch to talk.
"I'm going to slip into something more
comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and
shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom
cabinet."
No longer questioning anything, the man goes
into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, he
finds a razor made from a piece of tortoise
shell. "This woman is amazing! What next?" he
wonders as he showers and shaves for the first
time in four months.
When he returns, he finds the woman reclining
provocatively on her handmade sofa, wearing
nothing but vines with small leaves
strategically positioned in three places, and
smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for
him to lie down next to her.
"Tell me," she coos, snuggling up close to him
and rubbing her hand softly up and down his
thigh, "We've been out here for many months. You
must be very lonely. There's surely something
you really feel like doing right now, something
you've been longing for. And I want you to know
it perfectly okay with me" She stares into his
eyes.
He can't believe what he's hearing. "You
mean...you mean..." he swallows excitedly and
tears start to form in his eyes.
"Don't tell me
you've built a Golf Course!"
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January 10, 2007
A
married man was having an affair with his secretary. One
day, their passions overcame them and they took off for
her house, where they made passionate love all
afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep
and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his
clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and
rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she
nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and
drove home.
"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered
the house.
"Darling," replied the man, "I can't lie to you. I've
been having an affair with my secretary and we've been
having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake
up until eight o'clock."
The wife glanced down at his shoes, saw the grass and
mud, started crying and yelled, "You lying jerk! You've
been playing golf again!"
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January 3, 2007
A golfer is out on the golf course when he takes a hard
drive right in the crotch. He falls to the ground
writhing in agony. When he finally gets to the doctor,
he says, "How bad is it doc? I'm getting married next
week and my fiance is still a virgin in every way."
The doc answers, "I'll have to put your little man in a
splint to let it heal and keep it straight, but it
should be okay next week." So he took four tongue
depressors and wired them together to form a very
impressive four-sided splint.
The golfer doesn't tell his fiance any of this, of
course. They get married the next week, and on their
honeymoon night in the motel room she tears open her
blouse revealing a gorgeous set of breasts to him for
the first time, saying, "You're the first...no man has
ever seen or touched these breasts before."
Not wanting to be outdone, he whips down his pants and
says, "That's nothing...look at this, it's still in the
CRATE!"
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November 29, 2006
The Pope met with the
College of Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Shimon
Peres, the former leader of Israel. "Your holiness,"
said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Peres wants to determine
whether Jews or Catholics are superior, by challenging
you to a golf match." The Pope was greatly disturbed, as
he had never held a golf club in his life.
"Not to worry," said the Cardinal, "we'll call America
and talk to Jack Nicklaus. We'll make him a Cardinal, he
can play Shimon Peres... We can't lose!" Everyone agreed
it was a good idea. The call was made and, of course,
Jack was honored and agreed to play.
The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the
Vatican to inform the Pope of his success in the match.
"I came in second, your Holiness," said Nicklaus.
"Second?!!" exclaimed the surprised Pope. "You came in
second to Shimon Peres?!!"
"No," said Nicklaus, "I came in second to Rabbi Woods."
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November 22, 2006
A
man has been stranded on a desert
island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the
horizon and thinks to himself, "It's can't be a ship." The speck
gets a little closer and he thinks, "It can't be a boat." The speck
gets even closer and he thinks, "It can't be a raft." Then, out of
the surf comes a gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba
gear. She comes up to the guy and says, "How long has it been since
you've had a fine cigar?"
"Ten years!", he says.
She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve
and pulls out a fresh Cuban cigar.
He takes it, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man!
Is that good!"
Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of
good whiskey?"
He replies, "Ten years!"
She reaches over, unzips the
waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask filled with
Gentlemen Jack and gives it to him.
He takes a long swig, "Wow, that's fantastic!"
Then she starts unzipping a longer zipper that runs down the front
of her wet suit and says, "And how long has it been since you've had
some real fun?"
And the man replies, "Oh My Gosh!
Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there!"
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November 15, 2006
A man was driving home from work and
stopped at a traffic light, where he saw a man with a cardboard sign
asking for some spare change.
"Hey Buddy, if I give you ten dollars will
you use it to buy some booze?" the man asked the bum.
"No, I don't drink," he replied.
"Will you go to the casino and gamble it
away?"
"Oh, gosh no, I'd never do that," came the
reply.
"Will you waste it playing golf?" asked the
man.
"No, I've never played golf in my life,"
said the bum.
"Here, get in the car. I'm taking you home
for dinner!"
The man takes the bum home and
introduces him to his wife, to whom he says, "See what happens to a
man who doesn't drink, gamble or play golf!"
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November 8, 2006
A member at a staunchy,
upper-crust private club arrived for his regular round of golf one
Saturday morning, and quickly found his regular caddie.
"Hello sir," said the caddie.
"How was your week?"
"Oh, not too bad," the golfer
replied. "I got a new set of clubs for my wife this week."
"Wow, sir. That's a pretty good
trade."
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November 1, 2006
A very self
assured golfer had finally made it over to St. Andrews
to play the legendary Old Course, and asked to have the
best caddie for the day. As they approached the first
hole the golfer looked out over the course and said,
"Wow, this doesn't look like much of a course. Take this
first hole here, looks like all I'll need is a drive and
a putt."
The golfer steps
up to the first tee, takes a mighty swing and tops his
ball, sending it just a few feet down the tee box
towards the fairway.
The caddie pulled
out the man's putter, handed it to him and said, "And
now we better see one heck of a putt!"
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October 25, 2006
Two blonde golfers are
playing their favorite par 3 of their favorite local municipal golf
course, but the weather has gotten quite foggy and they can barely
make out the flag some 150 yards in the distance. They both tee off,
and both hit great shots, sending their balls
soaring straight towards the flag.
They arrive at the green
and only see one ball in sight, finding the other ball safely
nestled at the bottom of the cup. Both start a whoopin' and a
hollerin' thinking thay made a hole in one until they realize
they're both playing the same brand and number of golf ball.
"How
are we ever going to know who made the hole in one?" asked the first
blonde.
"I don't know. Let's go find a marshal and find out,"
suggested the second.
They find the marshall, explain the situation,
and the marshal agrees to come over and see if he can figure it out.
After seeing the two balls, which are still in their original
position, the marshall looks at the two blonde golfers and asks,
"Well, which one of you is playing the orange ball?"
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October 18, 2006
A golfer stood over
his approach shot to the 18th green for what seemed like
an eternity, looking up, looking down, waggling his club
back and forth, gripping re-gripping his club, looking
up again, measuring the distance in his mind, and
generally driving his playing partners crazy!
Finally, one of them
yelled, "C'mon already, hit the ball, will you?!!"
The slow golfer
turned and said, "My wife is up there on the veranda
watching me, and I want to hit the perfect shot!"
The other golfer
looked up to where his wife was standing, then turned
back and said, "Forget it, you'll never reach her from
here."
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October 11, 2006
What's the
difference between a really bad golfer and a really bad
skydiver?
A really bad golfer
goes, Whack..."Damn!"
A really bad skydiver
goes, "Damn!"...Whack.
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October 4, 2006 -
Golfing in Africa
Never lie about your handicap when golfing in Africa…
A businessman was attending a conference in Africa. He
had a free day
and wanted to play a round of golf. He was directed to
a golf course in
the nearby jungle. After a short journey, he arrived at
the course and
asked the pro if he could get on.
"Sure," said the Pro, "What's your handicap?"
Not wanting to admit that he had an 18 handicap, he
decided to cut it
a bit. "Well, its 16," said the businessman, "But
what's the relevance
since I'll be playing alone?"
"It's very important for us to know," said the pro who
then called a
caddy. "Go out with this gentleman," said the pro, "his
handicap is 16."
The businessman was very surprised at this constant
reference to his
handicap. The caddy picked up the businessman's bag and
a large rifle;
again the businessman was surprised but decided to ask
no questions.
They arrived on the 1st hole, a par 4.
"Please avoid those trees on the left," said the caddy.
Needless to
say, the businessman duck-hooked his ball into the
trees. He found his ball
and was about to punch it out when he heard the loud
crack of the
rifle and a large snake fell dead from a tree above his
head. The caddy
stood next to him with the rifle smoking in his hand.
"That's the mamba, the
most poisonous snake in all Africa; you're lucky I was
here with you."
After taking a bogey, they moved to the 2nd hole, a par
5.
"Avoid those bushes on the right," says the caddy. Of
course, the
businessman's ball went straight into the bushes. As he
went to pick
up his ball, he heard the loud crack of the caddy's
rifle once more and a
huge lion fell dead at his feet. "I've saved your life
again," said the caddy.
The 3rd hole was a par 3 with a lake in front of the
green.
The businessman's ball came up just short of the green
and rolled back
to the edge of the water. To take a shot, he had to
stand with one foot
in the lake. As he was about to swing, a large
crocodile emerged from the
water and bit off much of his right leg. As he fell to
the ground
bleeding and in great pain, he saw the caddy with the
rifle
propped at his side, looking on unconcernedly.
"Why didn't you kill it?" asked the man incredulously.
"I'm
sorry, sir," said the caddy, "this is the 17th handicap
hole you
don't get a shot here"
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September 27, 2006
A couple strangers
met up at the first tee and proceeded to enjoy a fine
round of golf one Saturday afternoon. As they were
approaching the 16th green a funeral procession passed
by the golf course, right alongside of the 16th fairway.
One of the gentlemen stopped next to the green took off
his hat and held it in his hands as the funeral
procession made its way slowly past the golf course.
Once they had passed, the other gentleman walked up to
the first one and said, "Wow, that was really touching.
You must be a very warm and sensitive guy."
To which the first gentleman said, "Well after all, we
were married for almost 37 years."
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September 20, 2006
At dawn
the telephone rings. "Hello, Master Carlos? This is
Arnaldo, your country house caretaker" "Ah yes, Mr. Arnaldo. What can I do for you? Is there
a problem?"
"Um, I am
just calling to advise you, sir, that your parrot died"
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the competition?"
"That's the one."
"Darn! That's such a pity! I spent a small fortune on
that bird. Oh well... what did he die from?" "From eating rotten meat."
"Rotten meat? Who was so mean as to give him meat?"
"Nobody. He ate the meat of one of the dead horses."
"Dead horse? What dead horse Mr. Arnaldo?"
"Why those pure breed ones that you had, sir. They died
from all that work pulling the water cart."
Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire."
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one at your house! A candle fell and then the
curtain caught on fire."
"What the.....!!! But there's electricity at the
house!!!! What was the candle for???"
"For the funeral."
WHAT
BLOODY FUNERAL???!!!!!" "Your wife's! She showed up one night out of the blue
and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your
new Tiger Woods Nike Driver."
SILENCE..........................
"Arnaldo... if you broke that driver, you are fired!"
